I do what I do I guess because I need too

"Stop," they say. "Just don't think about it so much, you're hurting yourself in return," they say. 

This day to day situation reminds me of a child; a child being told not to do something, but continuously does it anyway. Why does the child do this? To show superiority? To be mischievous? To get attention? These same sort of questions race through my mind; as well as, the reason to why i let myself think of certain things. As a human being, why do i lead myself to pain? Why do i turn on the most depressing music i can find, and sit there on my phone and just think. I fill my thoughts with all these terrible assumptions. Maybe it's just a girl thing, or maybe it's just a teen thing, but whatever type of thing it is i wish i just could understand it. The worst part about it to me though is that people always tell me to stop thinking like this. By being told that, you've already given me even more reasons to think this way. Telling me to stop, is equivalent to telling a dog not to eat a treat that you are clearly waving in its face.

Masking the madness

Arguments scare me. I'll admit it. Lately I've been trying to avoid any fights i get into with people. I just act like it doesn't make me mad... I don't want them to leave me and never come back. My biggest fear right now is someone important in my life leaving me. Honestly i don't like fighting anyways. I try to respect others opinions, and views on things. I know that you can't hide from fighting, but I've been pretty good at it lately. In a way though, i feel like I'm hiding who i am by not getting angered at what i normally get angry about. At the same time, i think "What's the reason for getting mad?" Then there's always the philosophy of "Well if you have something to say, say it. You have to tell people how you really feel no matter how it may make them feel." That just frightens me...what if i told someone how i felt about something and they never come back? That's happened before, and it was one of the worst feelings i have ever been through. I'm afraid of telling to much of the truth because i feel like people will argue with me, which i don't want to do. Staying away from fighting releases tension, and drama. Which are two things i hate. I'm so afraid of saying something wrong, and no one ever coming back for me.. Because no one ever crawls back for me, I'm always that annoying one who texts first after a fight or bump in the road. And you know what? I'm tired of being that person; because being that person really sucks.