Reality with It's Best Shot

It's just a hand sized piece of plastic.

It's just a camera.

A device used to take photos.

That's all it is.

Let me ask this question, why am I so broken over this $600 piece of plastic? Why did my heart drop the moment I knew I'd never get it back? Was it because of the photo's actually left on the camera? The photo's of Bob Woodward? The Bob Woodward who reported the Watergate Scandal. You know what, I don't even think the photo's meant anything to me at that moment. I believe it was the realization that I could no longer take photo's. I convinced my parents to let me take this trip to Washington DC, to learn more about journalism, and photography in general. And in that moment, the fact that my camera was gone and wasn't coming back, hit me hard. Real hard. The best way I can describe the feeling, is an example that relates to cheer, specifically me backspotting. 

You're trying a new stunt. A lib, (one legged above your head stunt), with a twist cradle down. For me being the person in the back, I'm in charge of the flyers safety, but at the same time, I'm scared for my own safety. Usually, I'm able to push my safety out of the way, the flyer ends up being the center of attention. Sort of like when I was traveling with my camera, I was worried about bringing my most cherished item so far away from home. But I did it anyway, I shoved the negativity out of my brain, and just worried about my cameras safety and moved on. The stunt hits, she's in the air solid as a rock. Here comes the moment of truth-the end. Will she twist all the way around and make it? Or will she freak out halfway through, resulting with a hit to the face for me, and me on the ground with her in my arms? Here we go, I shout,"5..6..7..8,"  I let go and watch it all unfold. She chose the second option for today. As she's spazzing out in the air, I feel an elbow to the face before I see it. It makes that BANG noise in your head that quite frankly I can't describe, you just have to feel it.It's a noise I've heard far too many times, but I don't really mind it, my flyers safe, so technically I'm good. After the stunt burns and crashes, everyone checks to see the status of group. Once we all realize that we're okay, we set back up, and prepare to do it all over again.

By taking my camera to DC, I knew of the risks, I knew it could be taken from me. At the end of the day though, that thought was shoved so far back in my head, that It seemed unrealistic. That only happens in movies, It couldn't ever happen to me...

I would much rather take a blow to the face from a flyer than my camera being ripped from my room at late hour of the night. The pain I felt in the moment of it all, was unreal. I can honestly say I have never hurt so bad in my life, and If I have, I can't remember when. When I heard that it was gone forever, It was very similar to being smacked in the face. Like reality slapped it's wicked ways against my heart, to show that anythings possible, and this occurrence could happen to anyone. 

I haven't been able to write about this, because I honestly didn't know how. But, oddly enough, by just typing out snippets of my thoughts, I feel better. No one will understand how important that camera was. It was my first step, into a long line of future cameras. It is nice to say "well at least you weren't hurt or messed with by the person who came into your room,"...But at the same time I am hurt. Mentally, which is always the type of hurt that's ignored. It's not like you can see someone is mentally hurt as clear as you can see a huge bruise across someones face. As for now, I start at square one. Slowly replacing everything that was taken from me, and the mental scarring that I'll hold on to for forever. Sorry that I couldn't be happy at the end of this post. Reality isn't always happy, and that Is one thing I learned on my last trip to Washington DC.

A Painless World Would be Pretty Painful

Falling down as a child was never fun, but it was significant. Without the pain of the scrape on your knee, you would have never known not to take a sharp turn on your bike down a winding hill. Almost all of us were stubborn kids at one point; which includes being told not to do something, but doing it anyways. Heck why not do it? It was funny to see mom mad. Aside from that, I can relate a scrape on the knee, to the scrape of a heart (not literally of course, c'mon people it's metaphor talk). I have endured many painful experiences within my 15 years on this plant. And I am grateful for each and every one of them. Even though some of them left huge scars on my knees...other than that, they have all helped shape me into the Bridget I am today. Heartbreak was one of my earliest painful experiences. Without it, I wouldn't know how to love like I do now. I wouldn't understand how to cherish the things I love, and not take them for granted. Without loss, I would've never knew what to do once I gained something amazing. Pain has taught me how to ask the right types of questions. When I have a problem going on, I don't want people to tell me how to fix it, therefor I don't say "Tell me how to solve my problem." The key word I want you to pull out of that sentence was 'MY'. It's my problem, why should I have someone else tell me how to fix it? They only know the parts of the problem I told them about, they most likely don't know the whole story. As we grow older, we begin realizing that no answers will just be handed to you, accompanied by a smooth solution. The only time that will legitimately happen is when you're stuck on a math problem, and you ask the smartest kid in class for the answer. As humans we understand that our problems are our own, and so, we must ask questions that benefit ourselves. Questions that will help you achieve YOUR solution. We need to learn how to find out the answers to our questions, rather then being told the "answers" upfront. I hope this little entry helped you think about pain a bit deeper, and a bit differently. If you really think about it, a world without pain, would actually be a pretty painful world.

Feelings

As a child, we are taught what feelings or emotions are on some type of note card, or in some flip book, which is accompanied by a picture. If one is sad, we are taught they are frowning. If one is happy, they are smiling. If one is angry, their face is squinted, which then also follows up with red puffy cheeks. What if this was all hypothetical? What if while someone was sad, they were smiling? Or if someone was angry, and they didn't have bright red cheeks and a puckered mouth? As a child, we cannot be taught reality.

Pain is a feeling that needs to be felt in this world. Society has a hard time accepting that. I had a hard time accepting that as well, I used to think that if someone wasn't happy or smiling then something was wrong with them.There's nothing wrong with them, they're simply human, and until now, I didn't know that was possible.

It is easier to be sad in this world. You have to strive for happiness, I mean lets face it, some people can't even get off the couch, so why in the world would they try to be happy? Material things such as new technology, food, raises, and clothing provide people with the fake happiness they can live off of. Not saying that you shouldn't be happy when you get the newest version of an iPod, but when that is all you have to be happy for, things don't go so smoothly. Your path starts to get rocky, you thrive for a happiness, and you just don't understand. This is what happened to me.

At one point in your life you have seen some post by a sappy teenager that reads something like this; Fake a smile, even at your worst. OR I'm smiling on the outside, but I'm dying on the inside.  As humans we don't enjoy the feeling of being vulnerable. I like to call it being naked. Obviously i'm not talking about physically, but emotionally. I think (metaphorically)  that your clothes are your materialistic happiness we all have. They keep you from being naked and vulnerable. You don't have to show your true colors, which is something a majority of us fear. Why do we fear such a thing? Posters and messages are plastered all around our life telling us to just be ourselves. How exactly do we do that? Judgement is something I fear. It's a silly fear, but it's a legitimate one. I'm afraid to be naked, to share my thoughts sometimes. Knowing someone could shoot my idea down, or give me a dirty look for something I said, is something that is very scary to me.  Writing this now, I feel stupid. Where is the Bridget that didn't care? The Bridget that did her own thing, because that's what she wanted to do? Maybe that Bridget just gave up. Simply because she didn't receive the followers she wanted. My life is completely irrelevant to all of this. What I want YOU to get out of this, the reader, is that in life we should learn how to be naked. How to be vulnerable. How to accept sadness, or depression and take it by the horns. I say, with time, we can all learn how to accept our feelings. Good luck on your travels my friends.

Groups

Other than group projects (which never work out) neither do groups of friends. It's always so complicated to find rides to go places, or if everyone is in the group chat, and then there's dating within the group. That's the worst part. Dating leads to cuddling and then the rest of the group just kinda sits there awkwardly...Anyways, back to my point; I don't like being associated with a group, because i feel like they're too much hassle. And how do you know that you are guaranteed a spot in the group? That has happened to me, it felt like i was just thrown out and i was like "Why did i deserve this? What did i do wrong?" Being thrown out of a group definitely one of the worst feelings in the world. Not being apart of one makes  me feel as if i have no friends. Which is totally not my case. I have boat loads of friends, or at least i think that i do, the only problem is that i guess you could say you can't squeeze me into a group of people i hangout with. My philosophy is that if you don't give me a reason not to like you, then i like you. I'm not the type of person who just has the regulars over every weekend and has a great time. Or calls up my closest gal pals to go see a movie. My friends are all different, and i like that. I get to see everyone's perspective, and i love being around such a variety.

How being a teenager is (so far)

Life's not to bad you know? Being a teenager is stressful, and for sure has it's ups and down but i don't think i have to much to complain. Besides endless nights of homework, never ending tests, friendships lost, and of course those stupid BOYS. Okay, whenever i day boys are stupid, i don't really mean it. I just mean that they have caused great troubles in my life, and to me i find them quite annoying sometimes. In no way do i mean that they are actually stupid, even though some are, but then again some girls are stupid too. Anyways, being a teen is defiantly one of the best times i have ever had in my life. Granted i'm a freshman in high school and most people tell me that all this enthusiasm will be long gone by senior year. I am a very enthusiastic person if i do say so myself, and i hope by senior year high school hasn't dried me out too much. I hope high school doesn't ring me out like a soggy towel and leave me to hang completely dry. I get told so many times in one week that'll i'll stop feeling these feelings of enthusiasm and excitement. That really saddens me, because i hope by my senior year i can walk in with a huge smile on my face and be ready to tackle my last year of high school. Besides this, high school sure has taught me a lot in the past 7 1/2 months. It taught me to take pride in what i do, and do everything purposefully. It taught me to jump out of my comfort zone, and to just be me, because in the end if you're yourself then you come one more step closer to knowing yourself and creating yourself. High school has taught me that image is everything, that if you screw up your image, you're basically done for. Well, not exactly. It shouldn't be that way, that your past reflects on your future, but it some cases there really is no way to avoid it. That brings me to my next point, which is that people deserve the same respect you do. When i was in kindergarten, we had a golden rule which was "Treat everyone the way you should be treated." Now, i'm not perfect when it comes to following through with this rule but i try my best, i really do. That rule has always made a big impact on my life, all the way until now while i'm in high school. Onto my next topic, now if you were to ask 5 students about how they liked high school, i bet you that 3 out of 5 of them would tell you that they hate it. Why is that? What is so wrong with high school? Yes there is drama, sports, peer pressure, school work, and other extra curricular's but i think teens these days just need to learn how to make the best out of it all and look at the good of it. Now i understand that's very hard hard for people, but i hope that what i have to say next can help them warm up to the thought. High school comes with a lot of challenges, and it leads teens to make hundreds upon thousands of decisions. Even though this happens everywhere, wouldn't you rather worry about studying for a math test than how you're going to pay your rent for the month?As teens we aren't adults yet, and we don't have to worry about adult type decisions just yet. Now, that doesn't mean you can be stupid about everything you do, but just appreciate the fact that the decisions you are making now, aren't on such a large scale as they are in adulthood. Also, remember that going to school is a PRIVILEGE.That being educated, is something you shouldn't take for granted and you should be happy you don't walk around like a dumb zombie. This is getting rather lengthy and i think i am going to just leave this post by saying Freshman year has been a blast, and i cannot wait to see hat Sophomore year brings.

Testing the limits

How does one know when they've been pushed too far? How does one know when to stop caring, or to stop worrying? To just stop trying in general...

These questions have raced through my mind a lot in these past few months. It's really hard for me to stop trying, because i'm not one to just give up on things. I feel like, if you really haven't gotten any responses from someone in awhile, then they aren't worth your time. There has to be an equal amount of chasing. And by chasing i mean an equal amount of wanting the other person. Which could be as simple as someone texting first one day, and the next day the other person texting first. Where the problems usually occur are when one person is the only one chasing. I find myself being that person a lot, but when i think about it, the time will come when someone is chasing for me just as much as i am chasing for them. I'm in no rush to find that someone, because it all happens naturally. Besides, the best comes to those who wait. So, ill wait.

BE YOURSELF

I know I've written about this before, but i felt the need to write about it again. So, get over it. I think one of the best things you can do for yourself as a person is stay true to who you are. Whoever that may be, or whatever that may include. Whether you are mean, nice, caring, or even a bit silly, as long as you are you that is really all that matters at the end of the day. I think people are afraid of this type of image they will create for themselves. If you feel as if you're hiding behind a shell, then break out! No one is going to hit you just because you act a little different. Also, the best thing about being yourself is that people won't like you for someone that you aren't. They'll see the real you, and love you for that simple reason. Experimenting with yourself, will only get you closer to knowing the real person you are behind all the physical traits. And in life, that's one of the biggest obstacles to face. But, from my past experiences, i would rather have someone stare at me because i'm being myself, than look at me and smile because i'm trying to be someone else. It's taken me awhile to reach this part in my life, but i do have to say it feels pretty dang good. And i'm looking forward to see who the real Bridget is, and i hope you can have fun on your journey to seeing who the real you is as well.

I do what I do I guess because I need too

"Stop," they say. "Just don't think about it so much, you're hurting yourself in return," they say. 

This day to day situation reminds me of a child; a child being told not to do something, but continuously does it anyway. Why does the child do this? To show superiority? To be mischievous? To get attention? These same sort of questions race through my mind; as well as, the reason to why i let myself think of certain things. As a human being, why do i lead myself to pain? Why do i turn on the most depressing music i can find, and sit there on my phone and just think. I fill my thoughts with all these terrible assumptions. Maybe it's just a girl thing, or maybe it's just a teen thing, but whatever type of thing it is i wish i just could understand it. The worst part about it to me though is that people always tell me to stop thinking like this. By being told that, you've already given me even more reasons to think this way. Telling me to stop, is equivalent to telling a dog not to eat a treat that you are clearly waving in its face.

Masking the madness

Arguments scare me. I'll admit it. Lately I've been trying to avoid any fights i get into with people. I just act like it doesn't make me mad... I don't want them to leave me and never come back. My biggest fear right now is someone important in my life leaving me. Honestly i don't like fighting anyways. I try to respect others opinions, and views on things. I know that you can't hide from fighting, but I've been pretty good at it lately. In a way though, i feel like I'm hiding who i am by not getting angered at what i normally get angry about. At the same time, i think "What's the reason for getting mad?" Then there's always the philosophy of "Well if you have something to say, say it. You have to tell people how you really feel no matter how it may make them feel." That just frightens me...what if i told someone how i felt about something and they never come back? That's happened before, and it was one of the worst feelings i have ever been through. I'm afraid of telling to much of the truth because i feel like people will argue with me, which i don't want to do. Staying away from fighting releases tension, and drama. Which are two things i hate. I'm so afraid of saying something wrong, and no one ever coming back for me.. Because no one ever crawls back for me, I'm always that annoying one who texts first after a fight or bump in the road. And you know what? I'm tired of being that person; because being that person really sucks. 

Needs are not always wanted; but that's why they're a need

Some people come into your life for reason, and other for just a season. That's my motto anyway. I mean doesn't it make sense? I believe the reason aspect of the metaphor refers to the people who stay in your life the longest. These people imprint your life in a certain way and you just couldn't picture an image of your world without them in it. They're the type of people who care for you, support you, and only want the best for you. As for the season reference; It says that certain people only need to be in your life for a short while. Wether this short while be a week, a month, or even a few days, these people won't be there for forever. They're in your life for one reason; that reason being that they're there to teach you a lesson. Or even more than one lesson. Niether of you know this when you first meet each other, everything is peachy keen You've just met a new friend, you might even share commen intrests, and things are really starting to hit it off. They don't seem like a bad seed, but they are placed in your life for a reason. They're there for you to challenge yourself, take some risks, and maybe even break your heart . These types of people are the ones that keep you up at night asking yourself stupid questions you already know the answers too. They make you think, and they make you stronger. These people are needed in your life, even though most of the time they give you the most trouble. Even though they might  not stick around for long, just imagine what life would be like if you've never experienced something tragic; there would be no growth.