I do what I do I guess because I need too

"Stop," they say. "Just don't think about it so much, you're hurting yourself in return," they say. 

This day to day situation reminds me of a child; a child being told not to do something, but continuously does it anyway. Why does the child do this? To show superiority? To be mischievous? To get attention? These same sort of questions race through my mind; as well as, the reason to why i let myself think of certain things. As a human being, why do i lead myself to pain? Why do i turn on the most depressing music i can find, and sit there on my phone and just think. I fill my thoughts with all these terrible assumptions. Maybe it's just a girl thing, or maybe it's just a teen thing, but whatever type of thing it is i wish i just could understand it. The worst part about it to me though is that people always tell me to stop thinking like this. By being told that, you've already given me even more reasons to think this way. Telling me to stop, is equivalent to telling a dog not to eat a treat that you are clearly waving in its face.

Masking the madness

Arguments scare me. I'll admit it. Lately I've been trying to avoid any fights i get into with people. I just act like it doesn't make me mad... I don't want them to leave me and never come back. My biggest fear right now is someone important in my life leaving me. Honestly i don't like fighting anyways. I try to respect others opinions, and views on things. I know that you can't hide from fighting, but I've been pretty good at it lately. In a way though, i feel like I'm hiding who i am by not getting angered at what i normally get angry about. At the same time, i think "What's the reason for getting mad?" Then there's always the philosophy of "Well if you have something to say, say it. You have to tell people how you really feel no matter how it may make them feel." That just frightens me...what if i told someone how i felt about something and they never come back? That's happened before, and it was one of the worst feelings i have ever been through. I'm afraid of telling to much of the truth because i feel like people will argue with me, which i don't want to do. Staying away from fighting releases tension, and drama. Which are two things i hate. I'm so afraid of saying something wrong, and no one ever coming back for me.. Because no one ever crawls back for me, I'm always that annoying one who texts first after a fight or bump in the road. And you know what? I'm tired of being that person; because being that person really sucks. 

Needs are not always wanted; but that's why they're a need

Some people come into your life for reason, and other for just a season. That's my motto anyway. I mean doesn't it make sense? I believe the reason aspect of the metaphor refers to the people who stay in your life the longest. These people imprint your life in a certain way and you just couldn't picture an image of your world without them in it. They're the type of people who care for you, support you, and only want the best for you. As for the season reference; It says that certain people only need to be in your life for a short while. Wether this short while be a week, a month, or even a few days, these people won't be there for forever. They're in your life for one reason; that reason being that they're there to teach you a lesson. Or even more than one lesson. Niether of you know this when you first meet each other, everything is peachy keen You've just met a new friend, you might even share commen intrests, and things are really starting to hit it off. They don't seem like a bad seed, but they are placed in your life for a reason. They're there for you to challenge yourself, take some risks, and maybe even break your heart . These types of people are the ones that keep you up at night asking yourself stupid questions you already know the answers too. They make you think, and they make you stronger. These people are needed in your life, even though most of the time they give you the most trouble. Even though they might  not stick around for long, just imagine what life would be like if you've never experienced something tragic; there would be no growth.

I'm in here somewhere

The real Bridget hasn't been around for awhile now.. and to be honest i don't know where she went. It's almost as if I've lost any drive or ambition i ever had. I don't get excited to do things as much anymore, and all i wanna do is lay in my bed and watch Netflix series all day. I'm not as passionate about the same things i used to be.. i don't know what's happening. It's like I've been stuck in a state of depression, and I've dug the hole so deep for myself that i don't know how to get out of it. I don't want you all to feel bad for me when you read this either. I'm just going through a stage i think. And no, I'm not cutting myself or anything like that. I'm really okay. It's just that when i look at myself in the mirror all i am is disappointed. Disappointed about not having all A's. Disappointed by not working as hard as i can on things. Disappointed because i don't practice cheer realted things at home. The list goes on for forever...Normally in a situation like this i would just say to myself "Hey! Don't be so hard on yourself. Get your head in the right direction and keep going. You need to stop being in the slumps and start living again." By typing that just now, i already feel a little better. Maybe i really should stop overthinking things and beating myself up. I'm depressed over nothing, honestly. I feel like a whiny baby right now. People have it a lot worse than me, and i need to be there for them if anything. Now get off your laptop and perk up, go make someones day, you love doing that.

Stay true to yourself

Lately I've been willing to accept who I am. I used to always question myself on what I did or what I thought. I would be apprehensive to post to many pictures on Instagram, or even to post a certain type of picture. I need to stop being afraid of me, and just do what I want and what I believe. Being afraid of your own self is never okay, and I've realized that in life. In life, you'll only achieve the greatest amount of happiness if you proceed with what you believe or what you want to do. That is my opinion anyway. In the past I've been happier because I do what I want, not what society or my peers want me to do. I feel like once I hit high school, I was faced with a lot of decisions to make. One of them being, "Who am I?" As a teenager it's your job and responsibility to create yourself, and let the world around you teach you what type of person you will become one day. I think being around upperclassmen I am sometimes pressured into putting on my "cool" mask. Which hides who the real Bridget is. First impressions are key to meeting new people, and I feel like most freshman are afraid of being criticized and judged by juniors and seniors especially. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I am afraid of who I am talking to if they are a senior, especially if they are a big name in the school. Then you really feel obligated to make them laugh or smile at what you have to say; but the thing is, YOU DON'T. I would rather have a senior look at me a little weird for what I have said, then have them laugh at something that wasn't even something I would normally say. Why give the impression of someone who isn't you? The reason you are on this earth is to stand up and own your name. Have opinions, disagree with people. ITS OKAY. You will live, trust me, a little embarrassment doesn't hurt everyone all the time. Actually if anything I think that embarrassment strengthens me. When I get a funny look, or an "Oh my gosh Bridget.." I take that as people not knowing how to react to me, or what I say. Whenever I experience an embarrassing moment, I look back at it later and realize "I was embarrassed for no reason."  Why should you question yourself to the reason you said something or did something? Obviously if you did it you did it for a reason. It was the first thing that came to your mind at the time, SO WHAT. Chances are the person you were talking to won't remember the situation if you don't make a big deal about it. If you act super embarrassed, and you start yelling at the person confessing that what you said was something that you "didn't mean to say" and scream and shout about it, then that just makes a bigger scenario for the other person to remember. If you say something "weird" and then the other person takes it the wrong way, shake it off. Move on to another topic and don't make a big scene out of it. You cannot let a bunch of tiny moments in your life dictate how you are as a person. Don't let silly little happenings ruin your mood either. Walk away from things knowing that what you said or did was done by you, and there is no other way it should be. You did those things because inside of you something told you to do it, and you thought it was right. Which is absolutely fine. Listen to that little voice in your head and don't let it be hushed by society or other influential things/people.

When i look at you..

I see, a friend. Or are you a friend? What is a friend anyway? Sometimes i look at you as one of my favorite people on the planet...but other times i question myself to what you actually are, or what you actually mean to me. You make me laugh like no other, and you've also made me ball my eyes out. Which is kind of how i feel right now. It makes me really upset how you prioritize things. I feel like you think you have all your ducks in a row, but you don't. Do i mean anything to you, cause i feel like i'm often forgotten. This isn't a new feeling, but just because I've experienced this before doesn't mean i like it. AT ALL. I stick up for you. Did you know that? I try not to fall into all the rumors, and think what others think. How am i supposed to be this way though, when a majority of these things i hear are true?...Beyond all of this, what would you do without me? Right at this present moment, i think you'd be just fine without me. Just one less thing to worry about right? Exactly. I lay awake at night trying to remember what you do for me, who you are to me, and how you benefit me. Friends are supposed to go through thick and thin with each other; they are supposed to pull through and end up on top. Am i right? Or am i just different? Because that's all i am right? Different. Sorry i'm not your normal teenager. Actually i'm not sorry. I'm proud of who i am, and of who i'm becoming, and maybe you aren't helping in this development of me. I feel like you never care about what i have to say anymore. What would happen if i just walked away...when i look at you i am disgusted.

Writing through my eyes

When I write something, I just wing it. I don't like to think about adverbs, or where things go in a sentence. As long as something flows when I type it, I type it. I feel as if journalism is taking away my love for writing. Whenever I write something a certain way, it's considered "editorializing" which is a big no no in the journalistic department. What I think people don't realize is, when you are trying to help me fix my piece, saying "OH NO THATS EDITORIALIZING" doesn't help. I don't care what I'm doing wrong, just show me how to fix it so I won't do it again. Besides, what's wrong with editorializing? Whatever the heck that even means. I would really love for someone to sit down and explain it to me. If I knew what it was, maybe I wouldn't do it as much. But I feel like when I'm not writing "editorially" I'm not writing like myself. I feel like a different person. I don't want to write this way at all, which is the part that really gets to me. I want to express my thoughts, and findings through the newspaper on how I want to write them, but I guess that just isn't the answer. So now I'm just stuck; writing things that I really don't wanna write, but I guess that's just how it goes now. At least I still have my blog.