I'm in here somewhere

The real Bridget hasn't been around for awhile now.. and to be honest i don't know where she went. It's almost as if I've lost any drive or ambition i ever had. I don't get excited to do things as much anymore, and all i wanna do is lay in my bed and watch Netflix series all day. I'm not as passionate about the same things i used to be.. i don't know what's happening. It's like I've been stuck in a state of depression, and I've dug the hole so deep for myself that i don't know how to get out of it. I don't want you all to feel bad for me when you read this either. I'm just going through a stage i think. And no, I'm not cutting myself or anything like that. I'm really okay. It's just that when i look at myself in the mirror all i am is disappointed. Disappointed about not having all A's. Disappointed by not working as hard as i can on things. Disappointed because i don't practice cheer realted things at home. The list goes on for forever...Normally in a situation like this i would just say to myself "Hey! Don't be so hard on yourself. Get your head in the right direction and keep going. You need to stop being in the slumps and start living again." By typing that just now, i already feel a little better. Maybe i really should stop overthinking things and beating myself up. I'm depressed over nothing, honestly. I feel like a whiny baby right now. People have it a lot worse than me, and i need to be there for them if anything. Now get off your laptop and perk up, go make someones day, you love doing that.

Stay true to yourself

Lately I've been willing to accept who I am. I used to always question myself on what I did or what I thought. I would be apprehensive to post to many pictures on Instagram, or even to post a certain type of picture. I need to stop being afraid of me, and just do what I want and what I believe. Being afraid of your own self is never okay, and I've realized that in life. In life, you'll only achieve the greatest amount of happiness if you proceed with what you believe or what you want to do. That is my opinion anyway. In the past I've been happier because I do what I want, not what society or my peers want me to do. I feel like once I hit high school, I was faced with a lot of decisions to make. One of them being, "Who am I?" As a teenager it's your job and responsibility to create yourself, and let the world around you teach you what type of person you will become one day. I think being around upperclassmen I am sometimes pressured into putting on my "cool" mask. Which hides who the real Bridget is. First impressions are key to meeting new people, and I feel like most freshman are afraid of being criticized and judged by juniors and seniors especially. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I am afraid of who I am talking to if they are a senior, especially if they are a big name in the school. Then you really feel obligated to make them laugh or smile at what you have to say; but the thing is, YOU DON'T. I would rather have a senior look at me a little weird for what I have said, then have them laugh at something that wasn't even something I would normally say. Why give the impression of someone who isn't you? The reason you are on this earth is to stand up and own your name. Have opinions, disagree with people. ITS OKAY. You will live, trust me, a little embarrassment doesn't hurt everyone all the time. Actually if anything I think that embarrassment strengthens me. When I get a funny look, or an "Oh my gosh Bridget.." I take that as people not knowing how to react to me, or what I say. Whenever I experience an embarrassing moment, I look back at it later and realize "I was embarrassed for no reason."  Why should you question yourself to the reason you said something or did something? Obviously if you did it you did it for a reason. It was the first thing that came to your mind at the time, SO WHAT. Chances are the person you were talking to won't remember the situation if you don't make a big deal about it. If you act super embarrassed, and you start yelling at the person confessing that what you said was something that you "didn't mean to say" and scream and shout about it, then that just makes a bigger scenario for the other person to remember. If you say something "weird" and then the other person takes it the wrong way, shake it off. Move on to another topic and don't make a big scene out of it. You cannot let a bunch of tiny moments in your life dictate how you are as a person. Don't let silly little happenings ruin your mood either. Walk away from things knowing that what you said or did was done by you, and there is no other way it should be. You did those things because inside of you something told you to do it, and you thought it was right. Which is absolutely fine. Listen to that little voice in your head and don't let it be hushed by society or other influential things/people.

When i look at you..

I see, a friend. Or are you a friend? What is a friend anyway? Sometimes i look at you as one of my favorite people on the planet...but other times i question myself to what you actually are, or what you actually mean to me. You make me laugh like no other, and you've also made me ball my eyes out. Which is kind of how i feel right now. It makes me really upset how you prioritize things. I feel like you think you have all your ducks in a row, but you don't. Do i mean anything to you, cause i feel like i'm often forgotten. This isn't a new feeling, but just because I've experienced this before doesn't mean i like it. AT ALL. I stick up for you. Did you know that? I try not to fall into all the rumors, and think what others think. How am i supposed to be this way though, when a majority of these things i hear are true?...Beyond all of this, what would you do without me? Right at this present moment, i think you'd be just fine without me. Just one less thing to worry about right? Exactly. I lay awake at night trying to remember what you do for me, who you are to me, and how you benefit me. Friends are supposed to go through thick and thin with each other; they are supposed to pull through and end up on top. Am i right? Or am i just different? Because that's all i am right? Different. Sorry i'm not your normal teenager. Actually i'm not sorry. I'm proud of who i am, and of who i'm becoming, and maybe you aren't helping in this development of me. I feel like you never care about what i have to say anymore. What would happen if i just walked away...when i look at you i am disgusted.

Writing through my eyes

When I write something, I just wing it. I don't like to think about adverbs, or where things go in a sentence. As long as something flows when I type it, I type it. I feel as if journalism is taking away my love for writing. Whenever I write something a certain way, it's considered "editorializing" which is a big no no in the journalistic department. What I think people don't realize is, when you are trying to help me fix my piece, saying "OH NO THATS EDITORIALIZING" doesn't help. I don't care what I'm doing wrong, just show me how to fix it so I won't do it again. Besides, what's wrong with editorializing? Whatever the heck that even means. I would really love for someone to sit down and explain it to me. If I knew what it was, maybe I wouldn't do it as much. But I feel like when I'm not writing "editorially" I'm not writing like myself. I feel like a different person. I don't want to write this way at all, which is the part that really gets to me. I want to express my thoughts, and findings through the newspaper on how I want to write them, but I guess that just isn't the answer. So now I'm just stuck; writing things that I really don't wanna write, but I guess that's just how it goes now. At least I still have my blog. 

Pros and Cons of Technology in Realtionships

Does technology help or hurt our relationships? I mean if you really think about it, i don't think people use technology to its advantages. Yes skyping or facetiming a loved one who is far away is a great idea and it is an amazing way to stay in touch. But what about texting? And what are the expectations nowadays for texting? Are we automatically supposed to text our bf/gf as soon as we're not with them? Or are we supposed to say "Oh well i just saw him/her yesterday morning, i don't need to text him/her." But the thing is no one does that. I try to do that as much as i can, but i just can't. I think that texting and social media in general just hurt relationships severally. Girls get mad if their boyfriends like certain girls pictures, and not their pictures. And guys get mad about those things too. Girls get mad if they don't get a good morning text, but really is that something to be mad about? So what that your boyfriend didn't wake up and immediately text you and say "Goodmorning Beautiful :)" It doesn't mean that he doesn't like you any less. And it certainly isn't something to be mad about. Also all that crap saying "Well if he didn't text me as soon as he wakes up then that means that he wasn't thinking about me when he woke up" yeah that isn't true. Maybe when he woke up he was starving, and he got a bowl of cereal. Did you ever consider that girls? Also news flash ladies, guys aren't as glued to their phones as you are. They don't always have their phone stuck to their hip. Adding to the topic of guys not being glued to their phone is texting back. Should girls draw conclusions to why their boyfriends didn't text them back within a desired time? No they should not. Just because a guy didn't text you back in 20 minutes or something like that doesn't mean that he is ignoring you by any means. Even if he didn't text you back in an hour it still doesn't automatically mean that he is ignoring you, or that he doesn't want to talk to you. Again, guys aren't glued to their phones, and sometimes they just leave their phones some where and get distracted and go do something else. Oh my goodness! NO WAY! They actually leave their phones somewhere?!?! How bizarre. Actually its not that weird, its quite normal. Its alright to text your guy a question mark after about an hour or so without him replying to your text. And if he doesn't text back to your question mark, then obviously he's busy. That's right, B-U-S-Y. Not hooking up with some other girl, or cheating on you or something. Now, if  you see your friend post a picture on Instagram or something, and he likes it during the time he hasn't texted back, well thats a different story. But then again, maybe he just got back to his phone, and he went on insta real quick before he was going to text you back. Its all a vigorous game. Of "Why didn't you text me?" or "How dare you like Christine's picture and not mine!" But in the end, does it really matter? Do you really care that he liked your picture and not yours, but in that same day who did he kiss goodbye? You or Christine? Yeah, that's what i thought. I think that girls get way to concerned about the cellar part of a relationship. Now, technology isn't always bad, it has its up sides too. For instance, if you haven't saw your bf/gf in awhile, its always nice just to post something saying "Missing my babe" or something. Or if you know your partner is having a bad day, you can always just text them and say "Hope you have a good day!" or "Keep your head up baby the day is almost over!" And, there is always skype, as i said in the beginning. Which can help a lot. Just hearing and seeing them after awhile of not seeing them can just make your day better in literally two seconds. Just remember, relationships should be about trust, and if you can't trust who you're with, then it simply won't work out.

Nothing Ever Changes

Since the very beginning your tactics of handling something like this has never changed. Which is pretty sad. You would think someone would grow, or learn, or change from their past. Nope not you. You claim that you have grown as a person, and that you have made changes for the better and that you are going so far in life. But honestly i still see the same you. I still see the 16 year old in you. The wild crazy teen that just wants to have fun with guys and go to parties. It really makes me sad to see your lack of effort. After all this time, and after the same thing keeps reoccurring a person could assume that you would have changed by now. But no, you're you. The same you without a clue in your head of what is going on. Or how to even handle a situation like this maturely.

Apple

Yesterday i went and saw the movie Jobs. Even though i sat throughout the whole movie being as confused as i could possibly be, i did learn a few things from the film. I had no idea how determined and ambitious of a person Steve Jobs was. Steve challenged everyone in his life, and displayed great examples of how to truly step out of the box. Now a days i honestly think that people are afraid to step out of their comfort zone, or to think about things that are unimaginable. The thing i loved best about the film was that throughout the whole movie Steve's goal was the same; to make devices simple for all ages, and to have his products simply enhance a persons personality. Watching this movie just inspires me to want to use even more Apple products. Steve Jobs left a good impression of who he was when he left this earth. At least i think he did. Steve Jobs has inspired me to never stop believing in what i want to do, and to not let people get in the way of what i want to do.

No Pain No Gain Right?

When you want something you work for it. NO matter how hard it hurts, or doesn't feel good. People need to get over the fact that conditioning, or the working out part of a practice, isn't fun. No it isn't fun pushing your strength or pushing yourself till you feel like your heart is going to explode. But the result of all this work and suffering, is un-describable. When you flex, and see more muscle now than you did a month ago it just makes you feel good inside! It lets you know that you are getting some where and that you just aren't wasting your time. And you don't just condition for your own self pleasure, you do it for your team! You want to be the best for your team and reassure them you want to be there and you want to get stronger with them; as a team. Your team needs you to be stronger for the, so that you can move on and grow stronger together. If you aren't pushing with everything you have when you condition, you aren't going to gain anything for you or your team when practice is over. Just remember if you don't feel the pain, you for sure won't see any gain.

Girls

Why do teenage girls feel the need to put themself out there? Why do they take bikini pictures? Just WHY. It's not worth it. And then I love how after they do all of this, they get crappy guys. Hm, I wonder maybe putting yourself out there in the wrong way, will attract the wrong guys? Sorry just a thought. It makes me so mad how every typical teenage girl puts that tanning picture out there with their phone right under their chin, and you can almost see down their bikini bottoms. That picture just makes a bad impression for me if I see you do that. And besides do you really think I wanna see your body? No. why can't I see your face? I love when people smile. What I don't love is when girls suck in, or flex to try to look good for guys. I think that you ABSOLUTELY should NOT have to put your body out there in order to get some guys attention. And don't rye to go "Ugh no Bridget that's not even what I MEANT. " yes it is. no matter how much you try fighting with me, I know that little voice in the back of your head going "Oh if I just, do this I'll get like 80 likes and some guy will ask to text me. Man I look so good. " Typical Teenage girls disgust me. END of story. 

Music

I love music. Wether it be when I'm playing my violin and it's classical music, or I'm listening to iHeart Radio. I just love being around it or drowned in it. I find myself with my headphones always in my ears. I love being escaped from the world. It's not that I'm hiding from everything in the world, more like I'm just taking a break from reality. When I have my headphones in I don't have to listen to stupid things. Like the dishwasher running, or the fan blowing. I can just simply enjoy my music and all that comes with it. Music makes life so much more fun to be in. Like take running for instance. For me, when I'm running without music, there's nothing for me to think about. And it just bores me. Then I'm left thinking "Why am I even running again?" But with music, it makes my adrenaline pump, it makes my confidence boost, and it just makes me want to run. It's almost like dancing to the beat. Speaking of dancing, music always makes me think of little dance or cheer routines in my head. Not like I could do them, but I love to imagine professional dancers dancing to the Songs I listen too. I'm pretty picky about my music though. If I don't like the beginning of the song, then I doubt I'll like the rest of the song. A song I'd like has to have a catchy beginning so that I can get into the song. I don't know why I judge a song so quickly like that though. It actually kind of bugs me. And another thing I don't do, is listen to the lyrics sometimes. So I have no idea what the song is about until I'm singing it out loud and I realize what all these words smushed together in a song means. It's crazy to think that I do it that way, because it's not like I can choose to listen to the words or not, because I always hear them, but I guess I just don't interpret  them. Do you do that? What kind of music do you like? What does your perfect song Include? Just ponder on those questions for a little bit. 

Nobody can help me.

Whenever i am in a bad mood, it just seems like no one can help me and i can only help others. I guess when i'm mad or depressed i just expect people to give me all that i give them and i never get that in return. Or maybe i do get it, but i just don't feel like the person who is helping me is giving 110% to make me feel better. Maybe it is because when i help people i put them before my own self? I'm not really sure. But i just hate how no matter what someone says to me, it does not change my mood. I usually just lay my head down at night, fall asleep and feel better in the morning.

Relationships .

Girls, and guys nowadays honestly don't know how relationships work. I wish that I could just have a boyfriend so that I could be like an example to everyone else of how relationships should work. Even though I've never really been heartbroken, or loved, I've seen it and I've grasped pretty well of how things work. Girls now believe that they have to know every last detail about what their guy is doing and who he's talking to. I think that's a little to far. Guys need privacy, and heck girls shouldn't be so worried about what they're doing. It's just texting honestly. What are people going to do over text that is going to drastically change your relationship? And girls really do need to lighten up. They need to learn how to trust their boyfriends and know that their boyfriends chose them for a reason, and if he's talking to other girls then they're just friends. I honestly hate seeing people in relationships when they don't even know the basics of dating. Study up girls and boys! Or else all your relationships will crumble, no matter who you're with. 

Silence Can be the Best

Today i found myself silenced while i heard my friends talk about some things. In many cases i find myself silenced because i usually can't relate to what my friends are saying. So whats the point in opening my mouth to share my opinion then? Well i mean, there probably is a point in opening my mouth, but i just don't feel the need too. It's just so much effort. It takes a lot of effort to explain to my friends why i disagree with them. I often find myself being the odd one out, a lot. It's because i'm to mature. Which has it's ups and downs, but the majority of the time its hard to be more mature then everyone. And i am not the type of person that is going to "dumb" myself down to be able to join in a conversation and sound like everyone else. No for me it doesn't happen that way. Lately when i hear my friends talking about something that i just have very strong feelings and opinions about i just shut up. Because in all honestly i don't like explaining to them how i feel about their immature situation, and i don't like being looked at weird, or getting the nasty eye. So i just keep to myself and i have found that saves a lot of time and energy. Sometimes, silence is the answer, but only as long as you have a good reason to be silent. Because if you don't then you mise well just talk anyway.

One of the Most Popular Topics in Histoty

Yes here i am, about to talk about the gays, bisexuals, the same sex marriage and the "fags". This has always been a hot topic, and for many years i have been on the fence about it. First lets describe the arguments. There is the thought that gay marriage or same sex love is wrong, and should not be legalized in the United States because back in the old days only Men and Women got married. And that if Gay marriage was legalized, they wouldn't have the same rights as straight people being married. Okay this is where my opinion is going to pop in here.i may not know everything, but i have a good grasp of whats going on. But, why wouldn't gay people be able to have the same rights as straight people? I can just not wrap this thought around my head! Whats the difference if its a guy and a guy or a girl and a girl? WE are ALL PEOPLE and we ALL deserve rights that are equal and fair. Why would being a guy married to a guy or a girl married to a girl have to do with what the NATIONAL government is going to give to you? They have no room to be judgmental about such thing! Seriously though, just because someone is happy and someone is in love with someone of the same sex, doesn't mean that you can't grant them the same things as a normal married couple! Anyways, on to a different branch of this topic. Now, i want to talk about just people who like the same sex in general. Two men, (or women) love each other and are beyond happy being around each other. How can you not smile at that fact to realize that people are happy!Now, seeing this beautiful couple happy, people instantly put them down. With the rudest of rude comments. Even if you don't support it, could you at least just respect them? And just walk on by and get ON with your life? My mother always taught me that even if you don't agree with someone or what someone says, doesn't mean that you're allowed to put them down, or make them feel bad. And i feel like that is one of the biggest problems with this topic. I mean even with this argument that i have, i'm not saying that people who don't believe in same sex love are stupid, because they are entitled to their opinion just as much as i am to mine. The point of this is to voice my opinion that's it. Anyways, i just think that same sex love hurts no one and only makes the people who are involved in it happy. Same sex love isn't some charity that is looking for awareness.I believe that it is as normal as a boy and a girl getting married. If you really think about it, the only difference is that it is two people whom are of the same sex, getting married, or loving each other. And who are you to judge someone on their happiness? They aren't hurting you, or messing with you, so why should it matter what they do? It irritates me so much to see how hurt or scared people who like the same sex can be. I don't think that's right! If i were to be in love with a girl, i don't believe i should be scared in order to tell my family or friends. Society has made same sex love into something that it shouldn't be. Society and the environment people are around has made it so that kids are afraid to "come out of the closet". I think that people are born knowing what they like, and sometimes they have to experiment what they like best. It''s like trying a new thing on the menu of a restaurant. In life you have to see what you like and what you don't. And for some people, they like the same sex. And that is OKAY.

Summer Livin☀

Long days filled with sunshine, laughter and fun right? Uh no. I think the stereotypes put on summer vacation are crazy! All those posts on twitter, with the girls looking like they're having the time of their life, well yeah guess what? It doesn't happen that way! It's not like summer vacation happens for everyone. Only students! And I don't know about anyone else, but my parents still have to work! So it's not like they can just drive me around to every friends house, or every lake, or every wave pool! I don't understand how some people have something to do EVERY DAY OF THE SUMMER. It really bottles my mind! How can you do something if your parents work? Or is that just it? Your parents don't work, so that would mean your broke, but then you manage to drive all over everywhere and do something everyday of the week? Alright that makes perfect sense. I don't know it just bugs me how when I ask my parents to do something I get the "Ugh I have to drive you again?" Or the "Ugh YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO SOMETHING EVERY SECOND JUST RELAX!" Like seriously does anyone else get that when they ask to do something or is it just me? Man I can't wait till I can have my own car. But I'm still going to enjoy being 14 cause you're only 14 once! And you have to make the best of that time. Anyway, that's my summer rant. There's probably going to be more. 

I'm Ready

I think I'm ready to show people my blog. I have the self confidence to show people my thoughts, and you know what? If they don't like it, well then they can just leave. I don't need hate on my blog, but if I do get hate about my blog, I mean what I'm I supposed to say? "sorry that you don't like my posts, I'll change them." Actually no I'd never say that. I'm not willing to change for anyone. And I want my page to get more views. So if I have to take a chance at what's coming up in the future of what people think my blog is like. I'm willing to take the risk. It's not like I say specific names, or call out certain people. I would never do that. Without their permission of course. But I really think that I'm ready to show everyone my blog, and how I think. Here I go!

Goodbye Middle School

Middle school was a journey alright. It taught me a lot about people, school, and life! I didn't cry today when we got clapped out of the school, because i didn't feel like i needed too. I mean yes i'm going to miss middle school and a lot of people in it, but it's not like i'm, never gonna see these people again. We all live in the same town and we're probably all gonna see each other again. And if you're really good friends with me. I will make an effort to hangout with you. No doubt in my mind that i won't. Middle school is something everyone goes through in life and it is what you make of it. And i decided that i was going to be happy and positive for this next year in high school. Middle school has made me a stronger person and has made me realize whats important in my life and what i should spend less of my time on. Middle school taught me that sometimes you get hurt, but its how you rebound from that is what makes you a better person. I am so excited for High school and i am ready to be in High school, I'm ready to be involved in everything and get out there and be me! Gah i just can't wait.

Ready, Set...Go?

Am I ready for you in my life again? Did I consider all the possibilities? Do I want my life to be stuck in this rut again? Or am I going to make a difference and change this friendship this time around? I think so. I think this time around, I'm gonna start off slow. That doesn't mean we just hop back into our old routines. That means that we start off as not that close friends. All I know is that this time I'm not letting it get out if hand, and this time I'm going to hangout with who I want too. I'm my own person. You don't control me, and I'm not going to let you. I am Bridget Ann Ekis. And I am, an independent and strong Individual 

Street Smarts

If something isn't taught in a school book, or class, I instantly feel like I won't understand it. Like all the ghetto kids, half the time I don't understand anything they're saying. Or sometimes I don't get what my friends do, and it makes me mad. Maybe they don't have the same common sense level as me? Or does it just simply that we think differently? I have no idea and it really bothers me how sometimes I can't understand why someone does something. But I guess I don't really need to know. Do I? I don't think I do. But it's just nice sometimes 

Getting Somewhere.

I've realized I can't avoid you my whole life. I have to give people chances, maybe some more than others. I feel as if I'm one of those good people that sees the potential in others. I can't be mad at someone for forever either. So, here I go taking a leap of faith. I'm ready for a new start; a fresh piece of paper. One so fresh with no previous snags, or rips. And I'm ready to illustrate and beautiful painting out of this new piece of paper. Here I go (: 

My Friends don't effect you.

I hate when people say "Well if I'm not friends with them, you can't be either." It's like no honey it doesn't work that way. I mean if you're really worried about loosing a friend who's telling you who you can and can't be friends with, well I'd honestly loose that friend. They aren't worth my time. I'm friends with who I want to be. No matter what they've done to my other friends. If you haven't done anything to me, I'll still be nice to you and give you my full respect. But then you have situations when a your close friend (let's use Molly as her name) gets hurt pretty bad by her ex boyfriend ( James lets say) does that mean I can't talk to James? I mean I might not like the things he's done to my friend Molly, but why would that have to affect James and I's relationship ? Molly has nothing to do, with what i say to James, or talk to James about. And it makes it even worse when Molly, is one of those kind of people that I talked about at the top of this post. So Buh bye Molly. You will not be missed. 

It's not just me.

When you ask "Well what did I ever do to you?" I simply laugh. Can you really not see what you have been doing to me? Do you have a heart? Can you see out of your eyes? But the sad part is, that other people started to notice your actions. And that's why I can no longer be friends with you. Because I know my other friends with treat me 10x better than you and care about me more than you ever did. It wasn't just me who noticed, it was other people that cared about me, unlike you. 

Out with the old, and unfortunately in with the new.

The 'new' you; I hate that you. It's weird to see you act like this. I feel like I was the only structure in your life, and now that I'm gone your just free wiling everything. I feel as if no one else likes the new you either. Everyone misses when you were nice, or funny, or caring. And I hate to see how self centered you've become. That will not get you any where in life. You need to be nice to people. Have you ever heard of the word? Or were you to busy looking for a guy? You've changed so much and it's hard to describe. You are going down a terrible road right now, and I'm no longer going to help you when you get stuck in a ditch. I'd rather laugh when you hit a tree. 

Is this just me?

I have recently discovered a page on twitter that's all about Capricorns. And by reading the posts I've figured out that almost every thing they say on there describes me to a T. I've came to realization that i am a very caring and forgiving person. And i cant stay mad at someone forever.That's where my problem occurs. I have been having a lot of fights and arguments with friends. SO after awhile of all the fighting and blaming i was tired and DONE. So that's what i said to them; i said that i could not take it anymore and that they were no longer my friends. I feel like in a way that was the right thing to do, but in the same respect, what kind of a person am i for doing such a thing? I mean now that i think about it, that was kind rude....Maybe i'm just jumping conclusions and my forgiveness if starting to kick in, or maybe i'm right? If you don't know, (which you probably don't) i am the type of person who talks to everyone in the school. I don't leave anyone out. And now that i'm not friends with these two people, i don't talk to them. This feels so out of my nature and i feel so rude. Because i talk to everyone and i don't talk to them. Which isn't fair! I mean I'm so hypocritical aren't i? Maybe its a good thing that i don't talk to them over all though?... I honestly have no idea. My mind is just so messed up right now. And i feel as if they were really good friends they should have came to me already and begged for me back. Now that i say that i feel like that is a really high expectation that no one is going to meet. That was another thing that, that twitter account mentioned. It said that Capricorns set really high expectations for themselves and other people. Is that a good thing or a bad thing though? I dont know...

Replacement

I have been replaced. It's legit now. I'm gone, and out of your life right? You never text me just to text me, or talk to

Me just to talk to me. You only talk to me when you want too. I'm not the person you run to anymore. It's all about her. And by the way, I'm pretty sure everyone hates it when you call her boob. Seriously though, NO one calls people that. No one I know wants to be referred to as a breast. It just doesn't sound right. It sounds immature. And what I hate the most is all the little games your playing with me. You say "Im sorry! I didn't mean for you to feel this way! I feel terrible!" And then you go hang out with her and say #bestfriend. That's a big label your giving her considering you hate her guts half the time. It makes zero sense to me. Figure it out and call me when you're ready to break the news to me. Okay? Okay. 👌

I just can't do it...yet

I need to get over the fact that she isn't going to come to me anymore. She isn't going to cry on my shoulder. She isn't going to want to talk to me about her problems anymore. Because apparently I'm bad at what I used to do. I'm bad at being a bestfriend. I don't meet her requirements. So you know what? I'm done. I am D-O-N-E trying to be close with her. If she isn't willing to give 100% effort why should I ? Even though I was, it was completely pointless. I hate that she just moved on like the blink of an eye though. I just HATE that. We still remain friends, but it's weird. I'm used to telling her everything, and talking to her 24/7 and then it just stopped. Apparently in her opinion we haven't been close in forever. But why was that my fault? Oh yeah it wasn't. Sorry not sorry that you had a controlling boyfriend and you never realized. I miss us, and I hate these nights. Where I can't stop thinking about what we were. But I just need to wake up and smell the roses and realize what we are.

My Escape

Going to church honestly takes me to a new world. It's as if i can let reality take a pause and just praise The Lord. And learn about him, and learn how to better myself as a person it's just a great place to be. I love how my Pastor says before service "There is nothing more important you could be doing right now, than giving back to God" Oh my gosh I almost didn't capitalize the 'G' in God, and then I thought, "The absolute LEAST thing I could do for him, is spell his name with a capital." To be honest, I don't know if I loved tonight's service as much as I normally do, but I do know that I have a new thing to think about for a week. And that just inspires me in itself. The only thing that bugs me is, that I don't go to church on Sundays. Which I should. I feel so guilty about it. Because I'm just selfish. The only excuse's for not wanting to go on Sunday is that 1.I don't wanna get up early, 2.I don't want it to Intrude on my weekends, like if I'm having a sleepover, and lastly 3. I'm kinda nervous... That sounds so dumb, I mean who gets nervous about going to church? Well I do. The reasoning behind the is that I feel so undereducated when it comes to religion, and so when I go to church on Sunday, I feel that I'll be the odd one out, or I won't know what's going on. And I hate that feeling. I will ask a MILLION questions until I understand what I'm doing. That's one characteristic about myself I am not ashamed of. I mean if you don't understand something, why wouldn't you want to ask questions? I would love to hear someone's reasoning to that. Anyway back to Sunday church, In the end i just think I'm lazy, and exclude myself from church Sunday on a very selfish and unrealistic level. 

Moving on

I'm letting go. I'm quote on quote "moving on" from both of you. I'm sick and tired of being the bad guy, or the person that's always wrong. But I've come to realization, that I did nothing wrong! And I love how when I'm dying inside, you two are perfectly happy. I still can't believe what you said to me today. That really hurt my feelings. Who says that type of stuff anyway? All I know is that I'm tired if being mistreated. I'm tired of being unappreciated and I'm T-I-R-E-D of not even being thought about. Good night folks.

The Purpose of My Blog

I have my blog because I can't vent to anyone. And I mean ANYONE. The people I want to vent to, of course have to be the source of my problems. Is that right? I don't think it is! Why are my "closest friends" my problem? Maybe my dads right, I should just ditch them. But I don't know how I'd be able to follow through with that. I wish it all wasn't so complicated. And can someone explain to me the definition of a best friend? Because I guess I obviously don't know.

Life's alright

Lately life has been alright. I went shopping over the weekend, and I feel good. My friendships are getting better and finally my bestfriend and her boyfriend broke up. It's not that I don't like them together, it's just that I knew they wouldn't last. They didn't have trust in their relationship and it crumbled apart. (As I thought it would) But honestly I'm Happy for her. I thought he was bringing her down and making her really limit her life. I think now without him in her life, she'll finally be able to learn who she is. I'm excited for her.

Why am I doing this to myself

I feel as if I care to much about one particular person and they could care less about me. Like seriously why do I do this to myself? Whatever

I don't mean to be like this.

I'm sorry if i'm snappy. I'm sorry if i'm on edge. It's just everything in my life right now is going down hill and i have no where to escape too to make me feel better. I just have to sit here and feel like crap for another week and then i'll probably be fine, as always. Because that's all that ever happens to me.

I'm Tired of This

I am honestly so done with being treated this way. Why do people take advantage of me like this? What did i do wrong? Seriously though, all i have ever been, was there for you. And now you accuse me of not being there for you? Uhm excuse me who wrote you that 2 page letter when you were balling your eyes out? Oh yeah me. I forgot. And i seem to think that you forget how good of a friend i can be actually. I mean yes, im not like every other typical 14 year old but...why does that matter? I'm not sorry for the things i say to you. And yes probably everything i say to you doesn't make you feel good, i just give my opinion and you shoot me down! I'm sorry that my opinion  is the more mature way of looking at a situation, but maybe you should have thought of that before you did the deed? It's just a thought. Sometimes though i seriously hate how no one can relate to me. For example, if someone is having a hard core party with no parents there, everyone is like "OH YEAH LETS GO!" and then there's me and i'm like "No." I feel as if this situation is only going to get harder as i grow up. Unfortunately. Ugh Whatever i'm just so done right now.

Have you Ever

    Have you ever, just felt so helpless? Almost as if, you couldn't do anything for someone? I honestly hate feeling this way, I hate seeing others in pain and knowing that I can't do anything to help them. Then sometimes i think it might be their fault, because they don't come to me for help...i honestly don't even know anymore. All I ant is for people to be happy. Is that to much to ask for?